When someone you love…….dies.

I have not known how to post this. I have not wanted to post this. I have really not wanted to endure this.

But in real life, which is what my blog has revolved around……...people die.

And you all deserve to know why I “disappeared” and why I want to “come back” and find my voice again to blog but just wasn’t ready.

I just needed some time to grieve. To be with my family and to just cry…….

 

daddy 90

My dad’s health has deteriorated for some time throughout the last couple of years.

And he would get better……and he would get worse…….

And Dr’s really couldn’t give us any real answers.

photo

In January through March what was severe stomach pain began progressing and moving into his spine, he began bleeding internally and externally and the pain intensified.

He had lost an enormous amount of weight.

The Dr’s were stumped.

We heard possible cancer, sepsis, ecoli, MRSA, you name it………

He lived in the hospital and became so weak and feeble.

He wanted to go home and not to our Clearpond home….he wanted to go to his heavenly home. He was tired of fighting.

And my dad is tough.

Well, at the end of February and start of March we met a wonderful team in a new hospital that were really getting some answers. They were focusing on Ecoli and were going to do more thorough tests, without being too graphic, they needed his bleeding to stop to see if there were issues that could be cancer somewhere.  They also  wanted to make sure the sepsis/ecoli had not settled in his spine, which would be a “game changer” for us and for dad’s chances recovery.

But on the morning of March 4th, they called us all in to meet with the team of Dr’s discussing dad’s health and chances of recovery and…..we got wonderful news!

We were going to be moving dad to a “recovery” home, to get him ready to come home. We had life changing things to face……but our dad was coming home!

I have seven brother’s and sister’s. All of us, including in-laws, were in the meeting either on conference calls or in person.

We were so excited but scared for what dad still had to face and how we would be able to help with his recovery.

He did not want to live like he was at that point and we knew it, but we were given hope that he could improve even more.

There were still some tests out there they were waiting on, but we all left with different tasks to prepare daddy to come home.

dad 69

I will never forget standing in the hallway and talking to my family outside of daddy’s room. We were only allowed in there two at a time and my brother said…..”Do you want to see dad before you go back to work?”

I knew he needed that time with dad and I knew I would see dad when I got off work or later that night when I came back to the hospital………so I said “No, I will give others some time”……and I left.

Mom and Dad

At around 4pm that day my sister text’d us all to pray, and that daddy was in extreme pain.

At 5pm she text’d for anyone that could, should get to the hospital immediately.

At 5:25 I ran into a room with my family crying, a nurse hurriedly wrapping me in a blue gown and ran to my daddy’s bedside and held his face in my hands………..as he was dying. I told him how I loved him, my children came and told them they loved him, he was surrounded by family as a shocked doctor tried to tell us how she was even shocked at the outcome.

With no explanation medically…….just confusion as to what had just happened…..

My daddy died.

So brutally blunt, I know.

But it’s true. You live and you die.

He was ready. We thought we were. We knew he didn’t want to live confused, feeble or with his family having to tend to his basic needs……but we weren’t as ready as we thought.

He was a powerful presence that will be missed…..forever.

But I was blessed to have had a father, to have had a father such as him, and to have been able to say goodbye.

You live and you die…….he wasn’t afraid of dying.

About a year and a half before daddy passed, and out of the blue, all seven of us children received a manilla envelope in the mail.

Inside was a letter from my dad which said something like this,

Dear Children,

The world has changed and in this turbulent times I believe we all need to have an emergency plan. We need to have a place set where we can all meet should things happen. I have found that place. Please listen to this CD and you will know where to meet your mother and I.

Love,

Dad

Please listen yourself and I hope to introduce you to my daddy one day. You will know where to meet us.

 

We know where to meet him and we are blessed to know he will be waiting.

I love you all and will be talking to you again soon.

 

Love,

Me

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Comments

  1. Lori Johnson says:

    Bless your heart. My Dad died in his sleep. No illness, no warning, nothing, just gone. Lucky for him, but hard on all of us. I’m sure it gives you comfort knowing your Dad is no longer in pain & became whole again as he was welcomed into the arms of Jesus. The pain of missing him is hard. Hold all of those sweet memories in your heart until you meet again. Keeping you in my prayers.

  2. Kim says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you are finding your voice again, I’ve missed you. :) Prayers for you and your family to continue healing.

  3. Marion Cunningham says:

    I am so sorry to hear this. Sending love & hugs. We lost our daughter to cancer last year. The pain at times is unbearable. Please know there are resouces online that can help you understand & cope what you ard going thru. The shock & numbness are part of your bodys coping mechanisms. Give yourself adequate time to grieve ..
    1 year 2 years whatever it takes ♥

  4. Kim says:

    I am so sorry and this is so beautiful to me. My father’s health is failing and I need to be reminded that he too will be securely at the feet of Christ, waiting for me. Thank you

  5. Jill Colwell says:

    I couldn’t believe it when I opened my laptop at work and found an email from your blog site. I didn’t know if I had just stopped getting notifications or what. You did a beautiful job, writing this. Much love to everyone. These are tough times and I am still looking for the blessings, as I know they are there, somewhere. Hugs, Jill

  6. Jennifer Ozanich says:

    My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. It is never easy to lose someone who is such a big part of our lives. It takes time to heal, for it sneaks up on you again and again. But heal you will. Eventually the pain will be replaced with memories that make you smile. I lost my sweet Grandmother last summer. She was 97, so we should have been “ready”…but I don’t think there is ever a “ready.” She was supposed to come home the day the call came that she had a stroke. She had spent all summer recovering from a fall, she had worked so hard. She did get to go home… Just not with us. She is with my Grandpa now. Someday we will all be together again! Until then I will hold my memories dear, and pass on traditions started by them both. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  7. Paula Beckham says:

    Rebecca, I am so sorry for you as I, too, know the loss you feel. On Christmas Eve 2009, my precious Daddy didn’t want to fight anymore either. Like you, I was blessed with a good one who loved me dearly. I think about him every day and most days, it’s happy memories and thoughts but the bad days still slip on me. Take care of yourself and rest in the knowledge that you know where he is and you’ll see him again someday. Love you and miss you at IQ.

  8. Lilli Sarantos says:

    My prayers are with you and your family. Your story sounds very much like mine my Mom except hers is heart related. But no matter who “has been there” your loss is personal. He was a very luck and blessed man to have all of his children and their families with him and involved in his care. Remember that you all did all you that could, but the Lord wanted him home now.

    Sending you love and prayers and blessings.

  9. Jenny says:

    Prayers for you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve missed you and was on your site just yesterday hoping to find a recent post. My heart is with you…

  10. Pat@BPM says:

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Missed you here.

  11. Stacey says:

    My dear sweet friend, I am so very VERY sorry for your loss. I know that I do not have the words to say to bring comfort to ease your pain. What a blessing to have such a special, thoughtful & wonderful daddy! I will be praying for you & your family. My daddy has been sick for a couple of years and I know you have prayed for him in the past. I hope that you will continue to keep him in your prayers. Today’s post reminds me, again, how precious the time that we have together is. I have missed you here-your posts are always a bright spot in my day-be they funny or thoughtful.

  12. Jaybird says:

    Sending you and your family a big hug, and we will be praying for peace and comfort in your lives.
    Blessings,
    J
    PS: We will find you at His feet, for sure!

  13. Michelle says:

    I have been wondering what was going on with you. I’ve missed your posts. I’m so very sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Thankfully, his pain is gone and he is with our Heavenly Father. I know it will be a very difficult day when I lose my parents. I’m very grateful to be able to be with them at least one day every week. Prayers for you and all of your family going up now.

  14. Jackie Lyles says:

    Love you Rebecca. I think about your family often and pray that comfort and peace will replace the pain.

  15. Anita says:

    So so sorry for your sorrow. No words, just tears. (((You)))

  16. Laurie Spoerke says:

    I am so sorry Rebecca. I will pray for you and your family.

  17. Nilza Brito says:

    So, so sorry for you. I feel… and know.. your pain. Have walked down this path and it hurts… as if your heart is broken up in tiny pieces. It’s OK to grieve and it takes time…something we sometimes don’t have enough. Take your time walking down this path and even smell the roses.
    A big hug to you and may our heavenly Daddy surround His loving arms around you dear blog friend.
    Feeling your pain,

    Nilza

  18. Ruth says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family. I have been missing you.
    Hope to hear from you very soon!
    Your Friend in Blog Land

  19. Kolein says:

    I’m sitting here crying. How sweet, how sad, how sorry, how happy, how awful, how wonderful…all of it. Please know that I carry you in my heart.

    XO
    ~Kolein Carlson

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